A state of non-feeling - an update

I've been finding it hard to feel recently. Life's been taking me on a ride.

The past few months have been a lot to take in. I did a semester abroad in Poland, and once I came back home, I didn't really have time to rest. Plans were already made, and I was just meeting plan after plan. Before I knew it, the holidays were over and my new semester's started, and I've taken on some responsibilities in church. Other than that, I'll be playing keys for a an ex-teacher of mine's wedding (absolutely adore them), lost a love interest, planned a last minute event, taken on a new research project (for my thesis), and trying to learn mathematical analysis.

Life has just been so, so much lately.

But the thing that's been bugging me the most recently is the inability to feel. I think what I miss the most about my time abroad was how simple life was. I was a foreigner in a country whose language I didn't speak, meeting friends maybe once or twice a week (realistically twice or thrice), and just going about my day after work (doing laundry, cooking dinner, reading before going to sleep, etc.). I really loved the work that I was doing too, and the life that I had. It gave me a lot of space to think, and subsequently, a lot of space to feel.

But back home, I am a son. I am a leader. I am a student. I am a friend. Once I'm done being all the I am's, can I still be the person that I want to be? I guess the question really is, "Can I still be the person I want to be, without losing any of the I am's?" Do I still have the energy left to do what I love? To feel, to think. I want to be more specific, it's the loss of space to be introspective that I am talking about here. In the midst of going through all of this, I am and forever will be grateful that I have such opportunities to do stuff. Gratitude is an attitude I will always have.

It's funny how what I want and what I do is never fully aligned. But at the same time, I think if things go exactly the way I want, life gets boring. As if life itself wasn't tough enough huh! After all, one of the reasons I chose to go down this path was because I thought I had a passion for it, without ever showing much talent for it in the first place. Will I ever stop being a walking contradiction?

I guess when one's mind is so preoccupied with completing tasks, it just doesn't have time to go and think about the implications of actions, activities and choices. But, will life ever stop being this way...?

Well, we'll find out in the next couple months. Or not, who knows?