Hi! Welcome to my website/blog/whatever this is. Thank you so much for visiting my page! If you're reading this, then it means that I have finally publicly shared the website! (It's been about 3 years now). Thank you for being here, I hope you find something you like :) ...
In the movie titled "The Wind Rises", the main character was the most important engineer in the design and manufacture of fighter jets for Japan in WW2. The success of the Japanese air force depended largely on the main character's designs of fighter jets, at which point Japan had not yet successfully deployed one (all failed at design and field tests).
His wife was sick with tuberculosis, and they were both deeply in love.
Instead of staying in the sanatorium as recommended by the doctors, the wife chose to leave the sanatorium and went to be with her husband in Tokyo instead, while he was working on bringing his aircraft design to life - working under enormous time pressure for the war.
The husband stayed with the boss's family. And when the boss saw that the husband brought the wife home, he told the husband, "If you care about her, you'll send her back immediately," to which the husband replied, "I can't do that, I'll have to give up my work."
The husband asked the wife to stay with him, even though her health was in bad condition.
The wife stayed with the husband, living her last days with the man she loved, even though he worked long hours and came home in the dark of night, and she was bedridden. It was a pure depiction of bittersweet love.
There was one scene where, after coming home from work late at night, the husband moved the small wooden table next to his wife so he could continue his calculations next to her. They held hands as he worked, one hand holding his wife, the other his pencil.
He kissed her, and said, "I'll keep holding your hand. You should sleep."
"You won't let go?"
"No, I won't."
As he continued on working, he wanted to go for a smoke break, but the wife said, "No. Smoke it here."
"It's not good for you," the husband replied.
"I don't care."
...
When she felt it was time, she left to the sanatorium, where on the same day, news of her death reached the husband.
The husband made that decision for his wife, to spend their last days together, even though on paper it would have been better to send her to the sanatorium.
"If you care about her, you'll send her back immediately."
"If you know what's good for her, you would do so and so."
These words echo throughout my mind constantly.
Did the husband make that decision out of emotion, or conviction? From the movie, it sure looked like conviction, and the husband was not shown to be an emotional person.
But did he make the right decision? Did I make the right decision? What constitues the correct decision? Does it even exist?
I struggle with this daily, and I may never know the real answer. But I am convicted; convicted of both my decision, and love for her.
idk mans. idk
Love is beyond good and evil. - Friedrich Nietszche
Posted: 22/2/2026.
Hey, ian. How are you? You doing good?
I know it's been a rough few months, but you'll be okay.
You'll slowly find yourself again. You'll heal.
You will get to feel like yourself again, to be yourself again.
I know even as you're reading this, you're slowly discovering more and more of yourself. You'll be fine, remember that.
Don't blame yourself for what happened in the past. You tried your best. You gave it your all; nobody is denying that.
You loved with everything you had. You were at your most vulnerable, and that takes courage.
You have to believe that it will get better, because I know it will, and because you know it will too.
God has never left you, either. He has always been there with you, as hard as that is to believe.
You'll start to enjoy things again. You'll find things you're genuinely interested in again.
Just take this time to grow, alright? Be a better version of yourself. Chase the highest ideals, there's nothing else besides that worth pursuing.
As much as it's okay to not be okay, it's also okay to be okay with your current situation. It's okay to stop chasing sometimes. It's okay, to be okay.
I love you.
Last updated: 14/2/2026.
I miss you. I hope you’ve been doing well.
I wish things between us never ended. I wish things could work out, without us having to be apart (is it really that impossible? To grow, while still being together). I wish I’d have the courage to hold on to you, even when everyone was telling me no. Was my vision just wrong? Or was it just that I didn’t hold on strong enough to it from the start?
You know, before it all started going downhill, on a random Monday when I called you up to say we should take a step back, I really thought I could just jump in and make it all work. I found someone that could actually ground me. Make all the voices in my head quiet. Someone that could make me forget everything else that’s going on in the world and in my head and the things I needed to do and the life I that needed to achieve… even for just a moment, whenever we're together. It was peace.
But more than that, I believed that I could provide for you. The timing wasn’t that bad. By the time you finished uni I would be well-established... 2026 is going to be a year of explosion.
I wanted to explore life with you. To work towards a life together. Even if you wanted to build your own business, I could've supported you (ok maybe not financially, but definitely in other ways. But on a serious note, people take out business loans to run businesses so); we could've support each other. Build a future together, and eventually a family together.
The worst part about all of this is finding it in me to forgive myself. Before going in, I think I felt it from God that, no, it's not something I should jump into now. The timing was not right... But I said "no" to God's no. I didn't want to say no to you. And I went in anyway... That was my mistake. And now, look what I've done...
I pray that whatever we went through would not stifle that spirit inside of you. Along the way, casting the times that we had aside, I know you truly experienced God too. I know and knew you could tell the difference (this was also why I kept on asking myself, could you not have grown while we were still together?). I love you.
But who you are will not simply change because of some guy. It’s still in you, and it will always be in you. Please continue to be truly yourself; to be good, and Godly love to others around you.
This is me moving on. Because I know that now is just not the right time. And because I know, us truly moving on will be the healthiest and best way, for even a slither of a chance together in the future. This contradiction and dichotomy is truly something to behold. The older I get, the more I realise that maturing is just accepting and being comfortable with contradictions. Regardless, the hope that we hold on to cannot be in each other, but only in God.
I have a lot of anger in me too, towards the people around me that warned me, that threw so many unnecessary details about you and me and the relationship that we had into the mix. Granted, it wasn't necessarily wrong, but it didn't provide clarity. It caused more confusion, and ultimately, it confused you too, but it was because of my immaturity. Nevertheless, it will be a long journey to finding it in me to forgive myself, and to be okay with losing you.
Haih, trying to think about it from your pov, this guy must be such a fucking asshole. Gave you hope from the start, then when things were going good, just suddenly called up to say we should take a step back. The next few months weren't better either. It was on and off, until ultimately the guy decided to just get closer and fuck everyone and everything else, it all just came crashing down harder than the first time. The guy was probably toxic, giving you mixed signals and confusing you. On and off and shit. You didn't deserve that. You deserve better.
If only that dude had it in him to do what was right from the start. He saw it too. He just didn't have the courage to follow through and say no to you. It's a lesson he has to learn now.
You mean a lot to me. And I don't think you will ever mean less to me, even with time. It's going to be an interesting few years down the road.
Keep moving forward. - Meet The Robinsons
Goodbye, xxxxx.
Last updated: 30/12/2025.
"Can I still be the person I want to be, without losing any of the I am's...?"
You are probably some villian's origin story.
I saw a guy at the mall one day. He looked a bit weirdly dressed. Not that he's homeless, just that he didn't look very clean, and not very tidy. He was wearing a pair of loose and baggy beige cargo pants along with a white polo tee striped across the chest. His looks were uncannily similar to the Hunchback...
We all hold an ideal of how we want to be in our hearts. A projection of who we can and want to become in our minds is what motivates us to continue working, and hopefully hard. But pursuit of the ideal should be a result of passion, instead of vice versa.
How did I get here?
Have you ever, in the middle of doing something/being somewhere, suddenly had this thought pop into your head? "How did I get here?" And I don't mean the physical place you're in, directly; but the person you've become. The series of choices and decisions you've either stumbled into or had thrown at you, ...